It was a chilly, October morning, 4:56am. 

One light on in the loft where I meet with Jesus, under the fuzzy white blanket. This particular day I was full of weeping worship, and a deep desire to know Jesus and to be known, to hear the voice of God, to see his kingdom come and will be done in large and small ways on the earth. Weeping over the specific heartaches of friends, the conflict in the Middle East, injustice in general, for my students and coworkers, for my family…all of it. Intense way to start a day!

I’m coming to terms with the fact that sometimes tears have their own unique purpose. And 2023 will be remembered for me as a year of tears – more than any other year in my past. I can’t really explain why, but a dam has broken and my soul “rains” often – almost daily. I’m in good company with the weeping prophet Jeremiah, who wrote of the Israelites ”If you do not listen, I will weep in secret because of your pride; my eyes will weep bitterly, overflowing with tears, because the LORD’s flock will be taken captive.” (Jer. 13:17)

That autumn morning I reflected on a Tim Keller sermon I had heard the day before called “A Prime Minister’s Forgiveness”, in which he told the story of Joseph. I don’t think I’ve ever noticed all the weeping Joseph did before I heard this sermon. You sort of skip over that part of the story, since it doesn’t seem to drive the plot line. But with close inspection, so many times in the story of Joseph, tears played a role. In fact, Joseph wept seven  times that are recorded in the story, probably many more in private. The tears seem to flow at pivotal moments: 

Gen 42:24 – Seeing his brothers for the first time after his captivity

Gen 43:30 – Seeing Benjamin for the first time (here he had to scramble to find a place to cry – been there!)

Gen 45:2 – Just before revealing his identity to his brothers

Gen 45:14,15 – After the reveal

Gen 46:29 – Reunion with his father

Gen 50:17 – Death of his father, request for forgiveness from his brothers

If Joseph was a person of TRUTH only, he would have dropped the hammer on his brothers – no weeping, just quick execution. You do the crime, you do the time! Tenderness isn’t usually a part of the equation when you are exacting a well-deserved punishment. 

On the other hand, if he had been a person of LOVE only, he would have said to them “No big deal, do better next time…you’re all good here…” – no weeping, but also no hope for conviction, deepening relationship, and change.

According to Keller, the combination of TRUTH and LOVE is what hurts so bad.  This was a giant revelation to me…and I find myself in wholehearted agreement. If I’m ever weeping without knowing why, I can usually narrow it down to these things.

But the redeeming part is this: out of the sorrow comes transformation.  Take Judas, the hardest-hearted brother of Joseph’s.  He went from selling Joseph into slavery to saying “Take me as a hostage instead – my life for his!” What a change of heart, brought about by Joseph’s balance of truth and love.

When I heard Tim Keller say, “Because Joseph was a person of truth and love, he was weeping all the time”, it finally made sense why I am like this. Why I have been a puddle of tears all year. I’m finding myself in multiple situations where I’m caught in the balance of truth and love, the tug of war between the two, as I live and move in a broken world. This revelation doesn’t take my tears away, but it at least gives them more shape and form, which I find oddly comforting. 

A mathematician to my core, I can’t help but put these things in an equation:

(love + truth) × weeping = transformation

The weeping multiplies the love and truth (don’t forget to distribute! lol) and the result is change. Change in me, change in those I’m interceding for, and change in the world.

Thank you Lord for showing me these things, even through a sermon spoken years and years ago. Lord help me to be a person who gets the balance just right. I don’t weep in despair, as one who has no hope. I weep because I live in a fallen world of people who desperately need you. Help me endure the long months, even years or decades, of alternating “frost and sun” – that it would serve to break me open to more of you and usher in the change you desire. And thank you that one day, all will be made right. 

Revelation 21:4 promises: “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” 

I can’t wait, and I’m pretty sure Joseph and Jeremiah agree with me!